How to truly love yourself! Sounds a bit self-centred, doesn’t it? It makes me picture myself standing on a table in a middle of a crowded room shouting ‘I love myself’ and receiving the response ‘Wow what an ego, how did she fit her head through the door’ before the crowd erupts into laughter and general trolling.
OK, maybe that’s a bit extreme but I guess we as a society (and perhaps especially we as women) are pre-disposed to feel uncomfortable making any type of self-love declaration.
And look, the type of ‘love yourself’ I’m advocating here isn’t a request for you to stand on a table declaring it – plus how ‘crowded’ are rooms nowadays anyway! It’s more of an encouragement for building a better relationship with yourself – cultivating a healthy and empowering appreciation, sounds reasonable, doesn’t it!
It’s about accepting yourself, realising your worth and acting with complete self-respect.
It’s really not about arrogance, narcissism or negative self-inflation, more feeling good about who you are and how you operate.
I’m guessing, you could love yourself a lot more – I know I could certainly learn to love myself a lot more too! We’ve no doubt spent many years learning to un-love ourselves and it’s time to take action to reverse that process for good.
Here are 8-steps you can take to help love yourself more:
Say YES to yourself
Our actions send messages to our minds. If we’re always putting others first, denying ourselves or living a life we feel zero excitement over – what message is that sending? It’s certainly not one which screams, I love you!
It’s time to start saying YES to you. Do more of what makes you happy. Treat yourself. Be responsive to your needs and embrace living a life that’s truer to who you are.
If you think this is something you’ll struggle with, you’ll probably find reading this post helpful too: How to Say No So You Can Say YES
RELATED: 25 Ways to Increase Your Love For Life
Become aware of your thinking
We have thousands upon thousands of thoughts each day, we cannot keep track of all of them. However, it is helpful to become more conscious of our thought patterns. Especially, if those thought patterns are quite self-deprecating.
Here we need to challenge the negative thoughts when we notice them by choosing a better alternative. For example, what runs through your mind when you make a mistake? Or a relationship ends? Or if you have an argument with a friend? Or you allow yourself to eat the doughnut? What do you tell yourself? And how true is what you’re saying really?
If I tell off my kids for misbehaving, does that make me ‘the worst mum in the world’? Does it mean ‘they’ll no longer love me?’ No, of course, it doesn’t – therefore I consciously replace those false thoughts with ‘I’m doing the best I can, my kids are loved and well-cared for.’
When you notice these thoughts, replace them and if you struggle with your inner-critic read this: Silencing Your Inner-Critic
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Watch your language
I was the Queen of self-deprecating humour. I could (still can) launch into a ‘how hopeless am I?’ comedy routine in seconds. Whilst it’s good to be able to not take yourself too seriously, it’s not so good to put yourself down verbally all the time – you are not the punchline to every joke.
Frequently talking negatively about yourself encourages those around you to adopt these opinions of you too, leading them to potentially treat you in a manner that aligns with these beliefs. All perpetuating a negative belief cycle that can end up being quite self-destructive.
You don’t have to go around telling everyone how wonderful you are (they’ll work that out for themselves!), more stop being so quick to tell them how un-wonderful you think you are. Time to rewrite a more self-respecting script!
Forgive yourself
We have all made mistakes. We will all continue to make mistakes. Mistake making is not unique to you. Carrying around a constant burden of guilt for past events is not of any help to anyone, least of all you.
Self-forgiveness is one of the single most important & powerful actions you can undertake to build a healthy self-loving relationship with yourself.
Below is my mantra for self-forgiveness. It helps if you spend a moment thinking about what’s making you feel the guilt or the shame then repeat the mantra to yourself until you start to feel the burden lifting. Obviously, this may not be an instant turnaround. Certain issues may take weeks or longer to let go off. But whenever you find yourself ruminating on the issue, repeat the mantra.
And look, if there are additional actions you feel you need to take in order to move on – such as reaching out and apologising – then take them. I’ve shared further advice on this in: What to Do When You Make a Mistake (in any area of your life) and I also recommend reading: The Path to Self-Acceptance – How to Start Accepting Yourself More.
Use affirmations
Pretty similar to the mantra I’ve provided you with above, affirmations are great for building the sense of self-love. Use them daily! I’ve created over 100 affirmations and mantras for you to access here. Pick the ones that resonate and uplift you the most, then repeat, repeat – and you guessed it! – repeat!
Recommended reading: How Can Affirmations Help You (And How to Make Sure They Do!)
Stop comparing
Comparison is a thief of self-worth. We all do it, but we have to begin to notice ourselves doing it and consciously stop ourselves in the act. Quite often we’re actually comparing ourselves to people who are far-beyond any benchmark we should reasonably set for ourselves. There really is no point to it.
The sooner we’re able to appreciate that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing and achieving, and that what actually matters is how we’re doing, feeling and achieving – you know, living positively with purpose – the happier we’ll be with our lives and most importantly, ourselves.
Allow the love
Don’t be a love blocker. How quick are you to reject a compliment? Whether that’s a compliment from someone else or a moment of self-praise, allow the love in. Accept the compliment – just say, thank you. Resist the temptation to follow it up with a self put-down.
And more than that, look after yourself, care for yourself. Extend the same kindness to yourself that you offer to others. Allow yourself to be loved.
Appreciate yourself
I’ve said it before and I will keep saying it – YOU are unique and special, there is no one else alive exactly like you. You have something to offer the world. People are grateful to know you and despite what you may sometimes believe, you are loved. None of this makes you conceited, it’s OK to accept this truth. Acknowledge what you love and appreciate about yourself – own it, work on it, let it radiate out of you.
If doing it for yourself isn’t enough for you, think about how it empowers those around you too. Again, no standing on tables and shouting required, just a healthy appreciation of yourself and the growing love you feel.
Recommended: 5-Ways to Build-Up Your Self-Worth
Where are you on the self-love scale – is it something you’re embracing and cultivating or something you find difficult? Do you agree that society can look negatively on any self-love declarations? Do you have any top tips of your own to share? Whatever you’d like to say or ask, I’d love to hear from you. Simply leave me a comment in the box below.
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Hello Alex. This is so important, as I think if we don’t love ourselves we can’t truly show love to others. I’m reading a book currently about forgiving oneself. Self-love is liberating, it helps us become who we are ‘meant’ to be. Thank you.
You’re so right, self-love is liberating and it does help us become who we are meant to be – that a really good way of putting it. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts xx
We absolutely have to love ourselves in order to attain self-worth, forgive ourselves and let real, healthy love. I made a lot of bad choices in life because I had no self-esteem. I had to learn that I deserved more respect. xoxo
You definitely do deserve a lot of respect Sandy & I’m glad you recognise that now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts xxx
Another fab post and inspiring tips Alex! I definitely need to start saying ‘yes’ to myself more as a recent work deadline has taken over a bit; luckily, I’ve now got a week off to do just that. Love the self-forgiveness affirmations too.
Gemma x
https://www.thegutchoice.com
Thanks so much Gemma and hope you get everything you need from your week off xx
It was lovely! Thank you x
I think that everybody could do with reading this Alex – it’s a reminder to look after yourself so that you can be the best version of yourself you can be – I love it – so positive.
Thank you Lauretta that’s very kind & encouraging to hear – thanks so much for reading xx
These are great tips!! Everyone could use a little more self-love.
Absolutely! Thank you for reading x