Before I share my story, I want to say that there was light at the end of the tunnel despite the darkness of it. Please do keep with me all the way, as that’s where brighter times lie…
[Please note this post deals with thoughts of self-harm]
“Young girls should learn to determine between depression and feeling sad.”
That was my GP back in 2002 when I’d gone to him for help. It had taken a lot for me to book the appointment and put my 21-year-old bottom in the patient seat. I didn’t like to ask for help or even admit that there was something wrong. Poor mental health wasn’t an openly discussed subject at that time. However, I didn’t know where else to turn, and so I went. And that’s what he said to me. That was all the ‘help’ I got.
So the ‘feeling sad’ me trudged home, tried to bury my feelings and get on with life. You can imagine how well that went!
My depression started (or rather, I was very much aware of it) in the summer of 2002.
It had been one hell of a year. Starting with my mum’s stage 3 cancer diagnosis, many unhelpful events in-between, and ending with the breakup of my first serious relationship. At an age where I should have been finding myself, I could not have lost myself further.
I knew something wasn’t right when I stopped sleeping. Night after night, I’d sit on my mum’s sofa watching 3 am Countdown. I ate next to nothing too. There was no life in me, and the only energy I had was used for being self-destructive. Hence the trip to the docs.
So I packed my bags and headed back to university.
For the first couple of weeks, I was pretty reclusive. Then my flatmates convinced me to join them on a night out. That night I met my would-be husband. Our blossoming romance – something that should have been wonderful and happy – wasn’t wholly welcomed by everyone (but we’ll leave that story for another time). Feeling overwhelmed, I escaped back home – a 5-hour train journey to Plymouth is no joke. Within a few hours of being there, I felt too unsettled and booked my train ticket back the next day. My behaviour was erratic. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t shake off the ‘sadness’. And worst of all, nobody knew; I kept it to myself.
The final straw came when I received a letter informing me there had been a mistake in my wages from my undergraduate placement year. I owed hundreds of pounds, and they weren’t prepared to wait on the repayment. This cold sense of dread – a fast becoming familiar feeling – soaked my soul. Genuinely I couldn’t take one more thing.
That’s when the really dark thoughts hit me.
My brain went into overdrive. Every ounce of me wanted to cease to exist. I felt a burden, nothing but trouble to all who knew me. No one would care if I ended it, and if they did, it was because they hadn’t realised yet exactly how worthless I was. I was consumed with thoughts of how I would do it; actual planning was going into it. Before I knew it, I was out the door and heading to purchase my needed supplies.
On my way, I caught sight of my University GP surgery, and without really thinking, I found myself inside. Something inside me must have felt this was the wiser decision to make. In her usual curt way, the receptionist said,’ What do you need?’ not to be deterred, and wanting to make the situation absolutely clear, I answered, ‘I need to see a doctor, or I’m going to kill myself.’ Expecting a dismissal or a ‘Can you come back next Thursday?’ I was shocked when she got out of her seat, came round to the other side of the desk, put her arms around me and took me into a private room.
Within minutes, I was in with the doctor. She was so understanding and asked me a lot of questions to learn what was going on. Next, she asked for my mum’s number, and I gave the doctor permission to call her. I swear my mum was on the next train before the doctor even ended the call. It was then I was diagnosed with depression.
At the time, I couldn’t feel happy, but I knew there was an opportunity for change in that moment.
I was given a prescription, referred for counselling and encouraged to make others aware. With the support of my mum and my husband (although he was my boyfriend then), I got through, and it’s why I’m here typing this today.
Although I’ve never experienced depression like that since I still have periods of mental struggle, however, I now feel better equipped to make my way through them. I know that no matter how dark things seem, things will get better. I am prepared now to fight for myself, and if, for whatever reason, I feel like I can’t, I know to seek the support of someone who is able (in the interim) to do it for me. We all owe ourselves that.
If you’re reading this and experiencing your own struggles…
please know there is help, support and better times available to you. You are absolutely worth all the effort to feel better. You’re loved and valuable and, you are wanted. Better days are ahead – I promise.
Support Organisations:
Samaritans
If you’re feeling emotionally distressed and need someone to talk to, you can phone at any time of day or night.
Helpline: 116 123 (lines open 24 hours, free and does not appear on telephone billing)
Campaign Against Living Miserably – CALM
CALM offer support information and advice for men, helping to prevent male suicide.
Helpline: 0800 58 58 58 (lines open 5pm – 12 midnight)
Mind
Mind provide an information service for all aspects of mental health, which includes depression and Post Natal Depression. Local branches of MIND can be found online or by calling the helpline.
Helpline: 0300 123 3393 (lines open Monday – Friday 9am – 6pm)
Email: infor@mind.org.uk
Sane
Sane offer crisis care and emotional support to anyone affected by a mental health problem including depression.
Email: support@sane.org.uk
International Crisis Lines by Country: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
RELATED: 5 Tings to Try to Help You Feel Less Anxious
So that’s my mental health story, I hope in some way it helps. It was definitely cathartic for me to write it down. Remember each person’s experience with depression is different, but we should always seek support if we need it – that is universal! If there is anything you’d like to say – or ask – please do leave me a comment in the box below. I’m happy to help if I can and I always love to hear from you.
It takes a lot to come on here and lay yourself bare for everyone to read so first of all well done my friend. Secondly, I don’t think you can really understand depression unless you’ve actually experienced it yourself. Thank goodness you reached out when you did – and you are now helping others to make their lifes better. You really do deserve a medal. x
Thanks so much Lauretta, that is really kind of you to say xx
Wow, you’re so brave for opening up about this Alex. I really admire you for doing so. I can relate to certain things about my mental health journey too so in a weird way, it’s nice to know I haven’t been alone. But, it’s such a shame that that first doctor didn’t listen, but thank goodness you got the help you needed in the end. Without you, a lot of us wouldn’t get the help we need from your amazing blog.
Gemma x
That’s so kind of you to say Gemma – I really appreciate your support xxx
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you went through this but I am so glad that you are willing to fight for yourself and seek support. Sending love.
Thank you, that’s very kind x